Thanksgiving Break

I GOT A DOG :) After years and years of trying to get my mom to let me have a dog I finally got a dog. He is so good!  It was Dad's birthday present, and his name is Marley.  I have two weeks left in the semester, and a TON of stuff to get done.  Life is good, I get to go to Florida for Christmas break.  I <3 the warmth/beach.  I got an early Christmas gift from Matt, diamond earrings.  They are perfect and I love them.  He is pretty good to me.  This is our second time spending the holidays together, which seems a little weird.  Time flies, I cant believe the semester and Christmas are almost over!!!  I am happy which is always good.

I am starting to get really nervous about teaching.  The more classes I take the more overwhelmed I get by all that is expected of teachers with a broken system.  I have to create these elaborate lessons that reach all different learners which take a lot of time.  But I need to get my kids ready to pass a STUPID test which has become more important then actually learning material.  BLAH.  We definitely should get paid more! lol I suppose I will just cross each bridge as I come to them!

oh and IU beat Purdue today in football :) Hoo hoo hoo Hoosiers!!!!

Midterm Check In!

 I was sick the first two months of school, which was just stupid annoying.  Things are getting overwhelming with school! I have a TON of group work which is a pain even if I like the people in the group.  My student teaching application is due this Thursday.  That is a little weird for me because it makes graduating from college seem that much closer. I am not sure if I am ready for that... maybe avoid real life and get my masters... lol :) We will see.  Less then 5 months until Im 21.  Im excited others do not think it is that big of a deal.  Family is good.  My brilliant amazing little sister got into Rose, and is excited to go play soccer there. Dad is rocking the jobs, and Mom is struggling through the many issues that teachers always struggle with.  Matt Brown is a pain but I love him :) He took the LSAT so pray that he rocked it!!! I can't even believe he will be done with his bachelors degree! Yikes.  Real life here we come.  Oh yeah and I am doing fantasy football, and beating all the boys :) hahaha. They are pretty POed.  I picked my team with the help of Matts friends, and Matt puts my people in.  I take the glory for the victory!!! It is very fun.  I am doing pretty well, life has its bumps but they are small and I am happy.

"HAPPINESS is a decision; it is not based on what's going on around us.  it's based SOLELY on what's going on inside of us.  Our happiness is based on the thoughts that we choose to give our attention to; the thoughts that we choose to harbor."

Junior Year

School started this week. GROOSSSSSS. I am living in the same place, Campus Corner. GROSSSS lol. Should be a great year. I was nervous for the year to start because most of my friends lived in Campus Corner. They all moved out and I am still here.  I had so much fun here last year :) it was a blast.  Now its just this shell of something I use to love.  But so far it hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be. My lovely Matt Brown stays with me often, that makes me happier, and it a TON easier to like Campus Corner.  Every once in awhile I have crappy days.  But I am happy, and have been for a long time.  It is nice :)

Summer :)

I am working at a day care this summer. It is quite an experience.  I always thought I would loved all kids and my love for kids would trump their problems.  HA was i wrong. I have this little girl that drives me CRAZY. I am taking summer classes online, and Biology is kicking my butt. I hate science :/  The first week in august cant come fast enough to be done with the classes.  My mom has been awesome in trying to help me get everything done.  She is always supportive :) and just the best. I love her. I haven't done much this summer. Hanging out w/ my Matt Brown :D which is one of my favorite things to do anyway. He always amazes me in all the best ways. I cant complain to much. Hanging with my friends too, and that is always nice. I am excited to go back to Bloomington tho.  I can't believe i am going to be a junior. YIKES the time has gone fast!   I got a new iphone, which is Matthews doing.  But it is a lot of fun to have! Life is good. Thank You God :)

Thanks

One of my boyfriends friends are getting divorced... They are so young it makes me sad for them.   This weekend I have just been having thoughts about how sad the world really is, and how no one stays married, the few that do are rarely happy.  A kid at IU committed suicide this past week, and wasnt found for ten days... How sad is that that no one wondered where he was for 10 days and the only reason anyone found him was because he started to smell. 
But then I walk in the mall and see the cutest little baby or little girl.  I go to help with the Sunday school kids and even the littlest kids have the most brilliant answers to difficult questions.  This is why i want to teach.  There are so many sad things in the world, and most of the kids are innocent to all of them.  They are so pure, and loving.  I get to make a difference in hope that they grow up to fall in love and have all there little dreams come true.

It also makes me think about how unbelievably lucky I am to have so many people that love me. Every night my mom texts me i love you and goodnight. My boyfriend is with me all the time making me smile.  My friends are always calling me or texting me.  My family, and friends is always there for me. Thank you god for all that I have, and all that I am.

Friday

Its Friday, and I'm listening to  country music avoiding homework!  Judge me as you will, but it makes me think of summer...which is coming soon!
I saw Invictus last night at the IMU for free. :) good old IU. It was a really good movie I thought, I was inspired after. I kind of want to read a biography on Nelson Mandela now. I got a really cute dress today from American Eagle, I have been looking for a summer dress forever.  Now the good weather needs to stay so that I can wear it. Short but sweet today! Adios

Forgiveness liberates the soul. It
removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon-Invictus

Give me strength

Vacation was amazing. The bahamas were beautiful, and spending it with Matt was awesome. I wish we never would have come back tho. The harsh slap of reality came quickly, and painfully. It brought questions and heartache. I am slowly moving on, but my stomach feel sick everytime its said. I want to scream, everyday it comes to mind.... The truth of people, and the world...

O Lord,
In this time of need, strengthen me. You are my strength and my shield; You are my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. I know, Father, that Your eyes go to and fro throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts long for You. The body grows weary, but my hope is in You to renew my strength.
I do not fear, for You are with me.

I am not dismayed or overwhelmed, for You are my God. I know You will strengthen me and help me; that You will uphold me with Your righteous hand. Even as the shadows of illness cover me, I feel the comfort of Your strength, Or Lord.

Amen.

School is coming to an end and I can't wait for summer... I am ready to be home. School is exhausting and becoming a little annoying. I am loving the nice weather. :) It makes the days so much easier in comparision to the ugly winter :(.

Hard Day....

MUSIC SAVES ME

Life

Spring Break is in less then a week, I am so excited to on a boat with Matthew :) And turn twenty! What a fantastic week!!!! I am loving life... it has it bumps but each pump teaches me something. I am excited for the summer and the SUN!


I have learned a lot about myself this year. Boy do I exhaust myself. #1... I have got to learn how to let things go!!!! My mom is always there to help. I am trying to figure out a new plan to let things go. Maybe every time I am cant let something go I need to listen to music... or something... any ideas? I will figure out because just saying i need to let things go is not helping. lol

<3

My own love story

I have watched the Notebook, and P.S. I love you in the past two days. I realized that this stories are all great but I'm finally living my own. :) and it is much better then any movie! :)

And i hate the cold :( stupid winter.

<3 Always love.

Happy New Year

I had a crazzy busy week :) Sunday-Thursday filled with Matthew and his family. I had so much fun. It was nice to get to know everyone and feel more comfortable around them. I'm happy in a way I have never been before & it feels good.

Looking back on the year makes me exhausted. So much as changed. My heart has been lost and broken then found in a more real way then I have ever felt. I have realized few people are genuine and unselfish. I have thought about so many things I want in life. I've taken a few trips and found a little bit more about myself.

New Years Resolutions

I kind of gave up on New Years Resolutions because I suck at keeping them.

*Go w/ the flo
*Stress/ Worry Less
*Better Time Management
*Lose weight


2010

I am so excited for this year :) Its gonna be a good one I can feel it. California for spring break w/ Matt and Lynnsey! Texas in the summer. Concerts. Traveling. Best Friends :)

Ohhhh caring..

I'm pretty much done with my emotions. I know relationships are worth it however sometimes i just want to quit... My emotions and mind race all the time. I hate it. Its exhausting caring about people. Caring about your friends and the decisions they make, your sister and how harsh high school can be, your parents that have my world to deal with, and then the random people you just think about that have it so much harder then you...and finally the one im talking about is the boy. Maybe its just a part of being female...It drives me crazy, its annoying and stupid. But I cant stop, and I dont want to i just want it to be easier. I'm not sure even how to describe it. I feel like guys never feel that way tho. its like I want us to be able to do stuff separate but I just want to be happy with him all the time. I want to be the only thing on his mind...its gross and a little selfish...I am such a girl. FML



Totally worth it ;)

Home again...

Math....is a waste of my time. I'm going home again today. Home is starting to not feel the same. I love my family, but the pull that was once there is fading. Its a little sad. Most of my friends are in bloomington even my friends in Avon are usually in bloomington with me. Its a feeling I just can't explain...i guess everyone feels it a little at some point...but
I love college :)








I have been in the weirdest mood lately. I'm fine and then all the sudden i just cant handle anything. The feeling is exhausting and I hate feeling like that because I know what im doing that im being mean but i continue to be mean and refuse any attempt at changing my mood. Which isnt fair to those poor people are brave enough to stick their hand in the cage only to get it bitten repeatedly...I should probably work on that. Something just seems off...

On a happy note...I'm really excited for the weekend. It should be fun, family/Matt time. My favorite. Plus i get to go to a wedding, I love weddings no matter who it is :) They are so sweet.


Take my mind and think through it, take my lips and speak through them, take my heart and set it on fire.

<3

Its Been Awhile....

It is funny what can happen in a year. I'm pretty sure my life came to an end 3 or 4 times...or so i thought it would. Thankfully I made it through. And am happier then I have been in a long time. My blogs reveal an embarrassingly large amount of stuff about me I feel like... reading them makes me roll my eyes at myself a little. Thinking about how much as changed and all that has happened exhausts me. Friends have come and gone, as well as guys. The roller coaster of life continues... But i have figured myself out a little more, I'm still pretty confusing tho. Oh and no matter what happens i can get through it..
Top Ten
1 my apartment kicks the dorms ass.
2 there are great guys out there
3.You cant change someone who doesn't want to change
4.All I can do is do my best to be a good person and hope that who i am people will like...and if they don't then that's OK too..
5.Even best friends leave.
6.Believe
7.My friend Amanda and i were talking about how everything is as big of a deal as you make it..and
8.worrying gets you no where...
9.do not compromise on the things that are the most important to you...remember that they are important for a reason and that reason will probably never leave
10.Enjoy life and just love every moment in the moment<(i am so bad at being in the moment)

Some things will never change however...like my eternal love for chick flicks :)I <3 MOVIES...Some people will always be here for me, and I love them for that, I want a dog! I'm still weird and awkward...

And a little lame... :)

Always love hate will get you every time <3

Goodnight

heart broken.always&forever.

Every breath hurts. Every time we talk we have the same conversation…he doesn’t understand why we can’t try and do it together. I told him it’s best for both of us. I need time to be me, live and get adjusted to college. He will give me space and let do whatever it takes. Over and over again in my mind everyone telling me its better this way and we need to break up and I’ll be happier this way….So I tell him this is the way it has to be “its better this way” “it has to happen”. But then when I have time to myself I sit and wonder if he is right. What if I am loosing the best thing that has ever and will ever happen to me. Everyone says I will find someone else and I don’t want to be tied down in college.  But it hurts my heart so bad…it consumes my thought….how is he…he got a new phone..i wonder why…what happens if he moves on…I love him..I miss him…I hope he is ok…I hope he is eating…why does he have to be so stubborn and refuse to let us coexist as friends instead of lovers I guess you would call us. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Eric likes me but the thought of being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt josh but somehow I wound up hurting both of us so much. I cry myself to sleep way too much. I listen to music that reminds me of him, and cry. I sit and dwell on the thought of him and me not being us and how much it hurts. It’s like and addiction. He is my first true love. An amazing guy…yeah we had are problems he was jealous to no end but I loved him more then I loved to breath. Cuddling with him in his bed even though it was covered in the rebel flag. I loved just watching movies with him…I could have watched movies him forever. How he would tell me that I am beautiful and he loves my tummy. Hoping that one day he will understand and forgive me and maybe love me as a friend again….or more if we are in the same place. I have to tell myself over and over that this was the right decision not to run back to his house and see him. Not to look into his eyes and kiss him and hug him and just never let ok. I have to tell myself it will all be ok and that I am happier without him even though I don’t feel happier. In the long run it’s better for both of us. Right? Hearing him tell me that I am the reason that he wakes up and the best thing that ever happened to him and trying to say goodbye and having him push me away and tell me that I don’t care and he never wants to see me again. This is a person that I love with every part of my body, hearing him tell me these things sucks. He makes me so angry! Why won’t he be there for me as a friend not right away…but in a few months. My heart seems to ache more as the weeks past not less. And the worst part is that I have grown hatred toward college because it is causing all this change that I hate. Leaving my job which I love, and not seeing the people I love the most. “having” to break up with josh even though I love him because its better for the both of us. Which it probably is in the long run and I’m not blaming the break up and peer pressure because one day we will both be happy. I wish will all my heart that he is happy when he grows up and figures out life. I hope that he gets everything he wants because he deserves it. He is an amazing guy. I gave him a huge piece of my heart that I don’t know if I will ever get back. And everywhere I got I will get a shot glass for him and hopefully one day be able to give them all to him, and when I do give them to him I will look at him and he will look at me. In his eyes will be love for what we had and not contempt and hatred for the end. I have no reason for breaking up with him. Or not that I can think of in my upset state all I can think of is the hurt that I feel and the love that I will ALWAYS & FOREVER carry in my heart for my first love Joshua.

ugh. Jealous Guys...

I just dont understand guys...I care about my boyfriend so much but sometimes he makes it so hard for me to love him. Yes love..i think i love him but im not in love with him. There are some days where it hurts to be away from him..and others where i just want to be ALONE and think it would be easier being single. He is a really sweet guy accept he is SO jealous which is our biggest downfall. I am an extremely social and happy person so i talk to everyone. Male& female. However her gets really mad whenever I talk to anyone he doesnt know or regulate. which is rediculous. If i wanted to be with someone else i would be...I dont cheat. But i talk to so many guys that are JUST friends that he doesnt know about and would be livid if he did. I dont know how to make him see that what he wants from me is unfair. These people have been my friends for forever..and he has only been my boyfriend for 5 1/2 months. and i refuse to give them up b/c they have a penis. Today we were talking to 5th period i saw one of my guy friends who is a freshman..and i have known my whole life and gave him a high five..and my boyfriend got mad didnt say anything and walked the other way. WTF. who does that...he can be so immature. he also said if i didnt something "with other guys" at prom he would leave me...who knows what that means but if he leaves he is gone for good and isnt going to be with me anymore. I mean if he hung out or talked to other girls i would be jealous but would never ask him to stop doing it b/c i trust him when he says they are friends. Sometimes he is so dramatic and i feel like the boy in the relationship!!!! If anyone has any advice please give...I love him and dont want to break up but i cant be with him like this:( Is it worth it since im leaving and hes staying here? i just dont know.

hey

i havent "blogged" in forever...i forgot my password!o0ops. well Prom is comming up and i have the big fun group to go with. I hope it will be as fun as last year. I'm with my boyfriend who is madly in love with me.(which totally freaks me out...and i think he cares about me more then i for him or maybe just in differnt ways). I got accepted to IU! and am definately going. i'm just excited to graduate.:)YAY. There are way to many emotions. Im so scared for the change, to leave and start new. And to suck at college. But im so excited for change, to leave and start fresh! I think will be fun. My best friend is goin with me so that will make the transition smooth. Dear lord i hope its everything everyone makes it out to be...I still am not sure about God. and im not sure i will ever be...but i guess as long as i have faith im me ill be good. I'm just excited for life. ;)peace<3

Church Camp

So i spent a week in bedford at church camp. and it was soooo much fun. i have the best cabin. we connected so well. we did everything together. it was so much fun. i met so many people that i will never forget. at camp it is so easy to have a strong faith...b/c ur surrounded by it. but its now that my faith is test...once i leave Utopia.and camp really is utopia...you dont have to worry about the outside world and its drama. and everyone is so accepting..no matter what age. neway it is the best and i miss everyone so much! peace&love

Bff

Cassandra Louise Wheeler & Sarah Ann Bartley.Best friends since 12-29-90Cousins. Best Friends. Sister's at heart.no one could be so lucky.Best friends are not people who do petty fighting and sneak behind eachothers backs. Best Friends are the ones that usually never fight because they know what bugs eachother.They are the person who you can talk to about ANYTHING*if you have secrets from your "best friend" they arent your bff at all*A best friend is someone who you can look at and they know exactly what your thinking anytime about any situation.THey call you on your bullshit and keep you straight and you know its out of love.its the person who you can take your anger out on and they just help you through anything. you know even if they are a thousand miles away they would come back to help you in a second. They leave you messages on myspace about what was happening on vacation. they come see you the night you come back saying how much they missed you.they will go to a country music concert even though they werent a huge country music fan. then fall in love with the band you guys went to see.they will be there getting into big trouble with you for the first time.they will know everything you have done that no one knows about.they have never let any of your secrets out EVERThey are the person that you have so many inside jokes with you can't even think of em all.You can go weeks seeing them everyday and not get tired of em.you know their pet peeves and you could pick out the perfect guy for emyou know their favorite food...and you could order for them at any resturant.you know their favorite drink and know when they are about to kill someone.you look at eachother and laugh so hard just thinking of something that happend a long time ago.you get into fights but the next day you text eacother saying sorry and that i couldnt be mad at you.you would do nething for their safety and they come before boys.When you think of them you wouldnt trade them for anyone in the world.i am so lucky to have a best friend like thisshe has done everything for mewe share the same views and we argue about different things.she knows my exagerations. and i know she cant spell.we spend all day with eachother and then go home and talk on the phone w/ eacother we have half of eacothers closets at our house.we are always up for things together.we have signals with guys. we have code words for hott guys we could go on all day about one guy! we know eachothers past dramaswe know everything about our ex boyfriendsand we go through the same things.we fill eachother in on other friends and family.and we have NO secretsthe first michevious thing we did in our lives was togetherwe get into trouble together.we like the same movieswe quote the same lineswe sing the same songs.heaven made us cousins cause no parents in the world could handle us as sisters.we are there for eachotherwe make fun of eachtherwe laugh when the other falls out of a car when we go on vaca we always have fun we cry about the same thingswe cry togetherwe lay around all day and watch 2 seasons of one tree hillwe argue. we fight. we laugh. we cry. we smile. we hug. we are the same person in two different bodies i am so lucky and i wouldnt trade my best friend for anyoneshe has always been there for me and i cant imagine life without herTO MY BEST FRIEND SARAH ANN BARTLEY thank you so much for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(im gonna make a new one but till then this will represent)<3

The Good Girl

I get tired of being the good girl somtimes. I would never cheat on ne boyfriend i have but i hate being the mom of the group. but someone has to have a little bit of morals or we would get in big trouble. i know i dont have to worry about my friends but thats who i am. sometimes i want to be the one who doesnt have to worry about making sure noone does nething stupid and just drinks and flirts and has fun. i want to get the guy. i wouldnt feel to guilty about doing this stuff w/out thinking about neone else either. but i do...so.. guess ill just be the good girl<3