heart broken.always&forever.

Every breath hurts. Every time we talk we have the same conversation…he doesn’t understand why we can’t try and do it together. I told him it’s best for both of us. I need time to be me, live and get adjusted to college. He will give me space and let do whatever it takes. Over and over again in my mind everyone telling me its better this way and we need to break up and I’ll be happier this way….So I tell him this is the way it has to be “its better this way” “it has to happen”. But then when I have time to myself I sit and wonder if he is right. What if I am loosing the best thing that has ever and will ever happen to me. Everyone says I will find someone else and I don’t want to be tied down in college.  But it hurts my heart so bad…it consumes my thought….how is he…he got a new phone..i wonder why…what happens if he moves on…I love him..I miss him…I hope he is ok…I hope he is eating…why does he have to be so stubborn and refuse to let us coexist as friends instead of lovers I guess you would call us. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Eric likes me but the thought of being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt josh but somehow I wound up hurting both of us so much. I cry myself to sleep way too much. I listen to music that reminds me of him, and cry. I sit and dwell on the thought of him and me not being us and how much it hurts. It’s like and addiction. He is my first true love. An amazing guy…yeah we had are problems he was jealous to no end but I loved him more then I loved to breath. Cuddling with him in his bed even though it was covered in the rebel flag. I loved just watching movies with him…I could have watched movies him forever. How he would tell me that I am beautiful and he loves my tummy. Hoping that one day he will understand and forgive me and maybe love me as a friend again….or more if we are in the same place. I have to tell myself over and over that this was the right decision not to run back to his house and see him. Not to look into his eyes and kiss him and hug him and just never let ok. I have to tell myself it will all be ok and that I am happier without him even though I don’t feel happier. In the long run it’s better for both of us. Right? Hearing him tell me that I am the reason that he wakes up and the best thing that ever happened to him and trying to say goodbye and having him push me away and tell me that I don’t care and he never wants to see me again. This is a person that I love with every part of my body, hearing him tell me these things sucks. He makes me so angry! Why won’t he be there for me as a friend not right away…but in a few months. My heart seems to ache more as the weeks past not less. And the worst part is that I have grown hatred toward college because it is causing all this change that I hate. Leaving my job which I love, and not seeing the people I love the most. “having” to break up with josh even though I love him because its better for the both of us. Which it probably is in the long run and I’m not blaming the break up and peer pressure because one day we will both be happy. I wish will all my heart that he is happy when he grows up and figures out life. I hope that he gets everything he wants because he deserves it. He is an amazing guy. I gave him a huge piece of my heart that I don’t know if I will ever get back. And everywhere I got I will get a shot glass for him and hopefully one day be able to give them all to him, and when I do give them to him I will look at him and he will look at me. In his eyes will be love for what we had and not contempt and hatred for the end. I have no reason for breaking up with him. Or not that I can think of in my upset state all I can think of is the hurt that I feel and the love that I will ALWAYS & FOREVER carry in my heart for my first love Joshua.

ugh. Jealous Guys...

I just dont understand guys...I care about my boyfriend so much but sometimes he makes it so hard for me to love him. Yes love..i think i love him but im not in love with him. There are some days where it hurts to be away from him..and others where i just want to be ALONE and think it would be easier being single. He is a really sweet guy accept he is SO jealous which is our biggest downfall. I am an extremely social and happy person so i talk to everyone. Male& female. However her gets really mad whenever I talk to anyone he doesnt know or regulate. which is rediculous. If i wanted to be with someone else i would be...I dont cheat. But i talk to so many guys that are JUST friends that he doesnt know about and would be livid if he did. I dont know how to make him see that what he wants from me is unfair. These people have been my friends for forever..and he has only been my boyfriend for 5 1/2 months. and i refuse to give them up b/c they have a penis. Today we were talking to 5th period i saw one of my guy friends who is a freshman..and i have known my whole life and gave him a high five..and my boyfriend got mad didnt say anything and walked the other way. WTF. who does that...he can be so immature. he also said if i didnt something "with other guys" at prom he would leave me...who knows what that means but if he leaves he is gone for good and isnt going to be with me anymore. I mean if he hung out or talked to other girls i would be jealous but would never ask him to stop doing it b/c i trust him when he says they are friends. Sometimes he is so dramatic and i feel like the boy in the relationship!!!! If anyone has any advice please give...I love him and dont want to break up but i cant be with him like this:( Is it worth it since im leaving and hes staying here? i just dont know.

hey

i havent "blogged" in forever...i forgot my password!o0ops. well Prom is comming up and i have the big fun group to go with. I hope it will be as fun as last year. I'm with my boyfriend who is madly in love with me.(which totally freaks me out...and i think he cares about me more then i for him or maybe just in differnt ways). I got accepted to IU! and am definately going. i'm just excited to graduate.:)YAY. There are way to many emotions. Im so scared for the change, to leave and start new. And to suck at college. But im so excited for change, to leave and start fresh! I think will be fun. My best friend is goin with me so that will make the transition smooth. Dear lord i hope its everything everyone makes it out to be...I still am not sure about God. and im not sure i will ever be...but i guess as long as i have faith im me ill be good. I'm just excited for life. ;)peace<3