heart broken.always&forever.

Every breath hurts. Every time we talk we have the same conversation…he doesn’t understand why we can’t try and do it together. I told him it’s best for both of us. I need time to be me, live and get adjusted to college. He will give me space and let do whatever it takes. Over and over again in my mind everyone telling me its better this way and we need to break up and I’ll be happier this way….So I tell him this is the way it has to be “its better this way” “it has to happen”. But then when I have time to myself I sit and wonder if he is right. What if I am loosing the best thing that has ever and will ever happen to me. Everyone says I will find someone else and I don’t want to be tied down in college.  But it hurts my heart so bad…it consumes my thought….how is he…he got a new phone..i wonder why…what happens if he moves on…I love him..I miss him…I hope he is ok…I hope he is eating…why does he have to be so stubborn and refuse to let us coexist as friends instead of lovers I guess you would call us. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Eric likes me but the thought of being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt josh but somehow I wound up hurting both of us so much. I cry myself to sleep way too much. I listen to music that reminds me of him, and cry. I sit and dwell on the thought of him and me not being us and how much it hurts. It’s like and addiction. He is my first true love. An amazing guy…yeah we had are problems he was jealous to no end but I loved him more then I loved to breath. Cuddling with him in his bed even though it was covered in the rebel flag. I loved just watching movies with him…I could have watched movies him forever. How he would tell me that I am beautiful and he loves my tummy. Hoping that one day he will understand and forgive me and maybe love me as a friend again….or more if we are in the same place. I have to tell myself over and over that this was the right decision not to run back to his house and see him. Not to look into his eyes and kiss him and hug him and just never let ok. I have to tell myself it will all be ok and that I am happier without him even though I don’t feel happier. In the long run it’s better for both of us. Right? Hearing him tell me that I am the reason that he wakes up and the best thing that ever happened to him and trying to say goodbye and having him push me away and tell me that I don’t care and he never wants to see me again. This is a person that I love with every part of my body, hearing him tell me these things sucks. He makes me so angry! Why won’t he be there for me as a friend not right away…but in a few months. My heart seems to ache more as the weeks past not less. And the worst part is that I have grown hatred toward college because it is causing all this change that I hate. Leaving my job which I love, and not seeing the people I love the most. “having” to break up with josh even though I love him because its better for the both of us. Which it probably is in the long run and I’m not blaming the break up and peer pressure because one day we will both be happy. I wish will all my heart that he is happy when he grows up and figures out life. I hope that he gets everything he wants because he deserves it. He is an amazing guy. I gave him a huge piece of my heart that I don’t know if I will ever get back. And everywhere I got I will get a shot glass for him and hopefully one day be able to give them all to him, and when I do give them to him I will look at him and he will look at me. In his eyes will be love for what we had and not contempt and hatred for the end. I have no reason for breaking up with him. Or not that I can think of in my upset state all I can think of is the hurt that I feel and the love that I will ALWAYS & FOREVER carry in my heart for my first love Joshua.